#4 – The First Law of Regret

Regret is something I recently gained a new understanding of. This change was both welcome and necessary because I carry a lot of regrets. During indulgences in critical self-reflection, my regrets used to eat at me. They still do, to some extent, but I am learning. Now, my regrets hold less of a strain on me. I have learned a new tool to process regret that redirects negativity into optimism and encouragement.

This tool is a simple reminder I give to myself. I am describing it as a “law” not because I think it describes an irrefutable, consistent fact of the universe. Rather, I am calling it a “law” because I have benefitted out of choosing to believe it is undeniably true, which it probably is. I have processed regret more effectively, less painfully, and with more hope and positivity than ever before – when I remind myself of the First Law of Regret.

The First Law of Regret states: the weight of my regret is proportional to how much I have changed since the decision I regret. 

When we make a decision, there is a result. We only know if the result was positive or negative after we have made the decision. Negative results cause us pain, confusion, and distance from what we love. Positive decisions are the opposite. Sometimes, we know that a decision’s result is negative immediately, like when we feel pain after touching a hot stove. Other times, it takes longer to realize, like someone who bought a fancy car as soon as they got their first adult job, only to realize they have saved no money after the first decade of their career. 

Whether we touched a hot stove or bought a car that’s beyond our financial means, we regret the decisions that harm us. As we come to understand the harm imposed on us by our bad decisions, we develop regret. Regret represents the gap in our brain between the bad decision we made and the better decision we think we should’ve made at the time now that we feel the negative effects of our bad decision. 

That’s the utility of regret. Effective regret prevents us from making the same bad decision again, which is why we have to embrace it. The First Law of Regret helps me do that.

Getting burned by a hot stove causes immediate regret because it causes pain immediately. But, the burn marks on our hands will heal after a week, and by then we are no longer being hurt by our decision. Overall, we weren’t significantly harmed. As stupid as touching a hot stove was, we probably don’t regret it substantially because the harm to us was minimal. Minimal injury, minimal regret. Chances are, we’ll touch another hot stove at some point in our lives.

In contrast, the negative effects of our overpriced car purchase take longer to play out. At first, we loved the car, and we probably even felt like its high price was “worth it”. But, as time passes, we realize that’s not the case. The car is eventually paid off, but not before it’s depreciated to a third of its original value. The flashy car no longer represents our values. After a decade of hard work, we have no significant retirement savings. Ten years later, the car was not worth it, and we regret it. Major financial injury, major regret.

However, when we come to purchase our next vehicle, we prioritize value over glamour and buy a reliable and inexpensive car. We’ve learned from our regrets. Purchasing a car is a much bigger decision than deciding to touch a stove that may or not be hot. After ten years, we have changed enough to make a dramatically different choice of vehicle than before the decision we now regret. Ironically, in that time frame, we may have touched multiple hot stoves. This illustrates that more regret equates to more permanent and long lasting change within us.

This is where the word proportional comes into play from the First Law. We hold regret proportionally to how much we have been harmed by the decisions we regret. Decisions with small injuries create less regret than decisions that have harmed us significantly. Why? 

Regret is the mental scaffolding around our brain that allows a renovation of our judgement. More harmful decisions require a longer and more intense renovation. But when the scaffolding comes off, we are able to make better decisions when faced with similar situations.

Regret equals positive change and growth. When we feel frustrated and sad during times of regret, let’s remember that the weight of that regret on us represents personal growth and a future with fewer bad decisions. With this mindset, a clear line between past regrets and hope for the future can be drawn. That’s the goal of The First Law of Regret.

6/16/2024 – 8/17/2024 – Salt Lake City, Utah